The Catch-All

Thoughts on Narcissism

2006-08-07T21:31:00.000-04:00

I recently read an article in my favorite magazine related to narcissism. In the article, the author stated that she assumed she was a bad person because she had such difficulty pleasing the people she loved. Try as she might, she could never seem to do or say the right things around them, no matter how much effort she put forth. After years of deep soul-searching and yearning to be better, she finally went to a therapist. She assumed that the therapist would tell her to try hard and to repent for being such a travesty of a human being. But instead, the therapist told her that the problem didn't belong to her! The problem was with everyone else! She was surrounded by a bunch of world-class narcissists, first and foremost of whom were her very own parents. And from her parents, she had learned to surround herself with an endless brigade of narcissistic friends, lovers, and co-workers. From that moment on, she vowed to herself to stop trying to please everyone, since they were, by nature, unpleaseable. She became detached from her loved ones, feeling a sense of satisfaction whenever they threw fits or acted selfishly in public, knowing what sort of people they were. When her mother passed away, she determined that the best lesson she had learned from her mom was how to detect narcissists and avoid them.

I spent quite a while thinking about this article. At first, it rang true--her descriptions of particular people almost exactly fit certain people in my own life. I thought to myself, "How much happier might I be if I detach myself from these people?" But then I realized--we're all narcissists. I am. I really am. I definitely am. But what sets some people apart from others is the ability to look at ones' self and really do an examination. To become introspective for awhile. I fully believe that certain individuals in my life lack (perhaps temporarily) the skills necessary for self-evaluation. Or maybe they're horrified or frightened of what they see in themselves, and they choose to focus externally from there on out. So onward they trudge through life, judging people, living for pleasure, driven entirely by ego. Worried only about their image. Terrified of humiliation. Full of pride, these people seem so self-confident--but in reality, their world is totally fragile. Because all they value is themselves. And as soon as someone shoots them down, their entire world shatters (since they have nothing else of value to grasp).

What is the point of all this? I think it's two-fold:
1. Never stop looking within, and be objective about what you see. Find things of value outside of yourself to give meaning to your existence--God, family, friends, a cause. Something with a purpose that doesn't directly benefit you. Give of yourself. Don't expect people to do things for you. And for Pete's sake, don't pout. I hate that.

2. Don't underestimate the potential of others to turn themselves around. The depressing thing about the article was that the author spoke of narcissism as a terminal condition. Something that sticks with you until it kills you. But think about it--aren't we all born narcissists? When we're little babies, doesn't the whole world revolve around us? There has to be a point at which we look outside of ourselves. Maybe that point comes later in life for some people. And when it does come, we should rejoice in it, rather that pointing out all the years that have been wasted in meaningless and self-centered pursuits. For those people in my life who are narcissists (myself included), I'm going to keep praying and keep hoping for that time, that epiphany. It will come.

Summer Lovin'

2006-07-15T11:50:00.000-04:00

Summer is a really strange time for me. I spend significant portions of the school year pining away for this magical three-month stretch, but when it gets here, I'm somehow always underwhelmed. Now I shall pontificate as to why:

1. Expectations. I never mean to do this, but I always set my expectations much higher than I should. I always think that somehow I'm going to morph into this relaxed, smiling, carefree person who takes long strolls on the beach and lazily sips coffee out an oversized mug. But you know what? That's not me. I am, in many ways, your typical type-A gal. I cannot tolerate laziness. I abhor wanton relaxation. That beach-combing vision of me is out of the movies. Or a Martha Stewart magazine. Or something ridiculous like that.

2. Anticipation of the next school year. I really feel that the best summer for me will be the one just after I retire. Because the next school year is always looming large on the horizon. I know that if I plan, and organize, and clean, and write copious curricular resources, I will have a better school year. However, that also means that I'll be working my summer away. I know in my heart that it is more important to look toward the future and make the outlook for the next year better. But it is exceedingly difficult to put that into play.

3. Planning too many activities. When I look at my summer, I automatically think, "YES! A blank slate! Nothing on my calendar! Sweet relief!" But it's not true. It never has been. I'm taking a class that meets twice a week, for three hours at a time. I have read about a hundred thick scholarly journal articles for it. I have written five papers, and that's not counting the huge final project. And it's not done until the end of July. I'm teaching nine private lessons per week, which causes me to drive all the way to Grand Haven and back at least once. I'm singing in numerous churches around West Michigan. I've sung two funerals and I will have sung three weddings when it's all over. I run several activities for Vacation Bible School, which is stretched out over the whole summer. I run the pre-rehearsals for the Harbor Choral Festival. And I expect to entertain company, take happy little day trips, garden, beach-comb, train for a half-marathon, plan all my teaching materials, organize all church choir/bell choir/liturgical dance materials, etc. The list goes on.

4. Allergies. This sounds stupid, but I don't sleep well for the whole summer. It actually starts in early spring, and it doesn't end until sometime in November when all the plants are nicely dead. I can't breathe through my nose most of the time. This sounds insignificant, but it is a major quality-of-life issue. I'm constantly sneezing and my eyes tear up and turn red. You might say, "Why don't you just take some medicine for it?" And I would tell you, "Because it puts me right to sleep." And that is the honest truth. It's a toss-up--would I rather be miserable or comatose?

So what am I to do? I think the answer rests in reality. Accepting reality. This is my life. This is what I've chosen for myself. Do I like what I do? Do I enjoy the activities that relentlessly bog down my calendar? In the final estimation, I would say that I do enjoy them. At least most of them. There's no use complaining about things I've chosen for myself, activities I've committed to. I think my automatic reaction to a full schedule is "CRAP! What am I doing? I can't HANDLE this! I can't make it! I'm going to hyperventilate!" But come on--this will be my fourth year of teaching, and I'm still alive, right? Right. It's time to grow up. It's time to take each opportunity and enjoy it for what it is, without allowing it to be overshadowed with anxiety. Obviously, this is easier said than done. But in the final analysis, what other option do I have? Do I want to keep living right on the edge of my sanity? I should say not. This post was certainly a cathartic experience for me. I should do it more often. :)

Getting a Grip on the Present

2006-05-22T15:40:00.000-04:00

Time is weird. I remember when I was little, 30 minutes felt like an eternity. I couldn't imagine sitting in the car for more than an hour. I couldn't wait till class was over. I couldn't wait to be excused from dinner. I just couldn't wait for anything.

Now, time travels so quickly. Moments I want to savor are gone too soon. People I love leave too early. Momentous events pass and are forgotten. My own identity changes without me even realizing it.

Yet sometimes, I get caught between the two ways of thinking. Right now, I can't WAIT for school to be finished. It seems like every class I teach is double the length. The kids are antsy and disruptive. Heck, I'm antsy and disruptive. But I know full well that in a blink it will be mid-summer, and I'll be looking back at how whiny and impatient I was. Sometimes I look at my life and I wonder how long I'll be poor and stressed out and underappreciated. I can't wait to be living in a bigger house with nicer cars and longer, sunnier vacations. But I know in the back of my mind that these are the good times--no kids to worry about, romance, youthful spunk, innocence, new oppotunities, excitement. It's as though my mind is always in the past or the future, but never in the here and now.

Perhaps the solution is gratitude. I think that if I can consciously appreciate what I have and consciouly put aside materialism and envy, I can stay here in the present longer and not mentally wander into the future. But what of reminiscing? Memories? Good ol' days? I think I tend to put a little bit of gold leaf on my memories, idealizing them. Making them out to be better than they actually were. Boy, it's hard to get perspective. I think I'll always have to work at it.

Devastating

2006-05-18T21:05:00.000-04:00

I just learned something that completely pulled the rug out from under me. In a bad way. I'm so upset I could spit. And the worst part is that I can't share the problem--it's all mine. My burden to bear. And I certainly didn't choose to bear it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off in the dark, not knowing every detail about everything. Too late for that. I want to react the right way, but I can't figure out what's up or down. So I just sit here, all bottled up, speaking in vague terms about something so disturbing it brings tears to my eyes. No place to go. Nobody to confide in. I need some chocolate.

It's Been a While

2006-05-13T15:03:00.000-04:00

I never thought I would completely make the switch over to Xanga, but it looks like that's what happened! It's been an interesting 5 months since I last blogged here. The school year is just about over, but there are certainly a few roadblocks to conquer before I get there. The stupid shared-time/attendance-tracking fiasco is biting me in the ass again. I tell myself every year that I'm going to stay on top of things. When am I going to learn not to talk to myself? So that's gotta get finished. I have two gigs with the middle school choir, which will prove to be interesting. They're a good group of kids, but they're really losing focus. And since I've had to reschedule their concert, I've met with a lot of flack from parents and fellow teachers alike. I'd like to believe that it's not my fault. However, that's not the impression I get from everyone whose ripping me a new butthole. Alumni Choir still has two concerts to go this season, and we never, ever feel ready for the spring gig because of whatever crazy, extra committment we had in the winter (this year, it was the Rossini). This makes Pearl tense, and like they say, "When Pearl's not happy, ain't nobody happy." Also, I have to deal with report cards for both schools at the end of the quarter and scheduling of summer music lessons. This summer, I really need to schedule them in a way that's convenient to me, but somehow it doesn't ever end up like I wanted it to be. Here's hoping this summer will be different.

Reflections on 2005

2006-01-01T12:42:00.000-05:00

Happy new year! We watched the ball drop last night with Katie and PJ and it was a lot of fun. It's a shame we can't hang out with them more often. I thought perhaps I should do some reflecting on 2005. This is because I have a very bad memory, and I figure that if I keep this blog long enough, I can read about my life a few years down the road. I'll try to go month by month.

January: My thoughts on this month are vague. I remember making a resolution to run the 5/3 Riverbank Run and signing up for the Gazelle Sports training group. On the day of our first scheduled run, there was an out and out blizzard. I thought to myself, 'There is no way they are expecting us to show up.' Oh how wrong I was. That was my introduction to crazy, obsessive, winter sports training.

February: We sang a song about Groundhog's Day in 2nd grade. It went like this:
Can you see your shadow | From your little hill? | Will there be more winter | Punxatawny Phil? Also, I got a membership to the gym. That is honestly all I remember for the whole month.

March: Hmm, I was running a LOT more in March. And I got the recording of Bach's B minor mass to put on my mp3 player, so I was able to learn the music while toiling away. I didn't get Dave anything for his birthday, because I made him promise to do the same for my birthday. Made me sad, because I love buying presents. Giving private lessons was starting to get extremely difficult with my busy schedule.

April: We went to Ikea in April, but I don't remember what we bought. I got a pair of super cool pants from Express off of EBay. My butt looked really cute in them at the time, because I was training very hard. We did the elementary musical at 1st CRC for the first time, instead of the gym. That met with mixed reactions. We performed Bach's B minor mass, and it was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. This was an extremely tiring month.

May: School year is winding down, and so are the kids' attention spans. We sang a concert with Alumni Choir, but it was a very tense time because we had barely two weeks to rehearse the new music. Between the run-out concert in South Bend and the Calvin Concert, I ran my first 25K road race. I did it in under 3 hours, which was my goal. My knees hurt so badly that I couldn't move afterwards and I had digestive issues for days, which didn't aid my physical recovery. However, I told myself that I'd do it again in 06. I'm insane. The middle school choir concert was a success, but very stressful in that I had NO idea how it was going to go based on a number of horrible rehearsals beforehand. Katie and PJ came up for Memorial Day and we took them to Grand Haven and the Piper. Marie moved into our upstairs that weekend too.

June: School's finally out. I lost the kids' attention entirely, and it was like pulling teeth to teach classes. I had difficulty scheduling private lessons in ways that were convenient to me. I felt bored and lacksadaisical (sp?). I started to get depressed due to the lack of structure in my schedule, and I went to a therapist who was completely useless (but nice). I loved having Marie in our house, and we exercised regularly together. Dave and I got to know her fiancee Matt, and we really hit it off. Jenn Ophoff told me she was pregnant!

July: More of the same. Marie got married in a beautiful ceremony and I sang. Joel VZ was my accompanist and the organist for the wedding, and he brought up the idea of me singing in an octet with him and some other awesome people. Despite the commute time to GR that would be required for rehearsals, I committed to it (which I do not regret). My grandfather on my mom's side passed away. I sang as the cantor in his Catholic funeral, and despite my fears about the high liturgy/unfamiliarity, it was a beautiful, peaceful service. I went to VanderCook for another class with Lois Fiftal, and it was extremely practical (as I had anticipated). I applied for an additional job with Holland Christian Schools, and was hired.

August: As soon as the calendar turned to August, those feelings of panic rushed in. School does bad things to my mental health, I think. I continued to teach lessons and I tried to organize myself, but I had a really hard time. I grew more and more anxious about whether I could handle my two jobs, with all my extra-curriculars on the side. I started to slack off on my exercise routine. I regret that.

September: School and all its craziness began. This was the most crushing fatigue I had ever experienced in my life, and I wondered how I would handle it. I started to rehearse with the octet, which eventually became known as the Choral Scholars. This was a breath of fresh air for me--I enjoyed the company and I was blown away at the quality of our sound. My family came to town for Labor Day, and I threw a party in honor of Mom and Dad's 25th wedding anniversary. Thomas and Daniel and I sang a ridiculous song we composed, full of funny memories. We ate cake from Alpen Rose. I was proud that everyone had fun and nobody complained. Daniel crashed Dave's bike into a car. He was okay, but the bike wasn't. I ran the Race for the Cure without Dave for the first time because he had to work.

October: My birthday. Every class at Pine Ridge sang to me. I received lovely gifts and money from everyone in Dave's family, and I got some re-gifted scarves from my family. I worked to prepare my middle school choir for the Festival of Choirs, and they impressed me.

November: We performed at the Festival of Choirs, but were very soft and difficult to hear. This problem would prove to haunt us down the road. All the madness that surrounds the Silver Tea began. The Choral Scholars had their debut at Carmen's recital, which was a success. We had Thanksgiving with Dave's family and spent some quality time with Chris Dobosz, just back from Switzerland. My grandma sold her house and moved into a cool condo. I worked hard to prepare my middle school choir for their concert and my church choir for their Lessons and Carols service. There's a particularly draining sort of anxiety that comes with rehearsing groups of people who are fickle and at times unfocused.

December: The hope of Christmas vacation dangles like a carrot in front of me. Silver Tea went as expected (with lots of "they're so precious!!!" comments). Christmas caroling party at our house was lots of fun--we got a decent sized group together. Lessons and Carols was a disaster in that Choral Scholars were supposed to sing, but just before the service started we got the news that Karel's dad (and Carmen's uncle) died suddenly. That threw everyone for a loop. The next day was the middle school choir concert, which did not go well. The kids were quiet and unfocused. I felt embarrassed and sad that they didn't do a better job. It was hard to stay focused for the last few days of school. My family came for a short time on Christmas, and everything went pretty smoothly. We visited family in Ohio (at my grandma's double wide) and saw Anna (who I had missed a lot). Then Kate and PJ came, as I noted at the start of this blog entry.

WHEW! There's 2005. On the surface, it was a good year. But bubbling underneath were feelings of guilt, depression, inadequacy, anger, and stress. I suppose my biggest resolution is to deal with those issues in some way during 2006. Because they're eating me alive.

More Visitors

2005-12-30T17:16:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks as though Katie and PJ are coming up here a day earlier than they had originally planned. On one hand, I'm excited because they will actually be here to count down and watch the ball drop and stuff. On the other hand, I have 24 less hours to transform my house into somewhere they would want to stay the night. We're going to Matt and Marie's tonight, which should be fun. It will definitely keep my mind off things, such as cleaning the toilets and clearing the piles of crap off of every conceivable surface. I told myself before this holiday season started that if I would just invite TONS of people over, I would be FORCED to keep things looking nice. Alas, that is not the way things have turned out. I'm gonna try to enjoy the company and not feel the pressure.

Gotta Run, Gotta Run

2005-12-28T19:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, today has honestly been the laziest day of my life. I'm sitting here in grungy clothes with grungy hair and no make-up and no motivation to do anything in particular. I need to start running again. As in, if I don't, I will have to choose between fitting into my clothing and eating food. Why is it so hard? I know I will feel better when I'm done. It's the "during" part that sucks eggs. It's dark outside. Kinda creepy. Kinda damp. I've gotta do it. Like Nike says. I'll let you know how it went..........

..........Hey, I'm back. It didn't go too badly. That's probably because I only went a mile. :( Oh well. I've got to start somewhere. And I think that my problem in the past has been trying to do too much too soon. So I'll try to start back slowly this time. I decided that I would publish a training log on my Xanga site, so if you want to see more detailed progress, you can check it out there.

I think that I just have to make running an automatic thing in my life--not think about it so much. I sit and ponder and it takes me forever to get off my duff. My thought is that if I go really early in the morning, perhaps I will be so zoned out that I won't notice the terrible searing pain and excruciating exhaustion. Yup, that's the plan. Hold me to it, peeps.

Socializing

2005-12-27T09:04:00.000-05:00

My family is funny. We went to Ohio yesterday to visit with my grandparents on my dad's side and my grandma and uncle on my mom's side. Now in most normal social situations, people exchange pleasantries and listen politely so as not to seem rude to others. Yesterday was as far from that norm as possible. It was almost like a contest to see who could interrupt each other more times. And instead of interrupting and then apologizing, it was a steady stream of interruptions, each person yelling louder each subsequent time. Not that it was unfriendly--it was just a different style of discourse entirely.

Also, instead of saying things like, "The meal was delicious!" or "Thank you for the lovely gift!", they said things like:

1) "My gut is going to explode!"
2) "You bought me way too much. Don't buy me that much stuff ever again."
3) "What am I supposed to do with THIS?"
4) "This wine is from FRANCE! Shame on you!"
5) "You're making me fat!"
6) "You know the present I just gave you? It was a re-gift! Haha!"
7) "I already have a hat just like this. I don't need another." Refer to quote #3.
8) "Don't you have anything caffeinated here? I'm getting a withdrawal headache!"

All in all, a fun time was had. It's just hilarious to go from one holiday party to the next, and have to adapt to an different unspoken set of social rules at each. Perhaps I should just stay home so I can live by my own rules.

Before I forget, I must give a shout out to my homie, Anna DeMay. I visited her in Ohio last night, and even though she's WAY Baptisty, she's the coolest plus-size model in the history of the world. Other than me. I miss her! She brings mic's down to their knees, and just like UPS, she drops rhymes off C.O.D. Props! :)

The Race is On

2005-12-23T09:03:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Friday. And normally I would be scurrying around, teaching a bunch of classes. But I'm not! Hooray for Christmas break! However, I have to get my butt in gear and get everything ready for the visit from the family. On the phone, they always say, "Oh, we don't care how your house looks...we just can't wait to see you!" And that's a lovely sentiment. But I know what they're REALLY thinking when they walk in the door. 'Did we really raise our daughter this way?' 'Did she totally forget we were coming?' 'Wait a minute...is this the right address?' 'Gross! Let's go to the Motel 6...'

So anyway, that's what's in store. On a happier note, my dear Dave has entered the blogosphere! Hooray for spouses entering the 21st century. Go visit him at www.xanga.com/deafeninglydave. Thanks!

By the way, the lovely woman in the picture is not me. I just liked it.

Christmas Break

2005-12-22T11:51:00.000-05:00

Yay! I am officially on Christmas Break! It feels SOOOOO good! Now I must shop, shop, shop, or else I will not get finished! The family is coming on Christmas Eve, so they say. What that actually means is that they could arrive on Christmas Day at 7 pm, or they could call in 10 minutes and tell me they're at the corner of Waverly and 16th. Either way, I'd better get going on cleaning the house, or they are going to be disgustified. It's amazing that we just cleaned the house for the caroling party--you'd think it would stay a little nicer/cleaner looking. Evidently I'm even more of a slob than I thought I was! Oh well--the show must go on!

Party On!

2005-12-17T08:59:00.000-05:00

Well, today is the day! The first time we will have ever hosted a Christmas party for people other than immediate family. It's a little scary. I'm a little bit afraid that since I've lived in utter slob-itude for so long, that I will overlook things that other people will find offensive. For example, while I'm admiring the cleared-off, cleaned-up countertop, a guest will be completely disgusted by unidentifiable mold-like junk in the toilet. Or while I'm putting out a spread of Christmas goodies, someone will sit down on one of Marzipan's hacked up hairball creations. Perhaps we should just plan to spend as much time as possible out caroling, and I should send everyone with Christmas treats in goodie bags. That's the solution. :)

Ode to Tires

2005-12-13T16:26:00.000-05:00

I love new tires!
They keep me from careening
into other cars.

When it is snowy
I can still go seventy
miles per hour. Yes!

During the winter
I'll make it to Grand Haven
in twenty minutes.

I'm a speed demon.
I'll confess--I have road rage!
But the cops love me.

Dave writes this verse now.
My wife is super crazy
She'll get herself killed.

Get off my laptop,
you silly husband of mine.
I will be just fine.

So in conclusion,
my new tires are kick-ass.
I'm sure you'll agree. :)

Ouch.

2005-12-12T18:49:00.000-05:00

I have a headache right behind my left eye. And my goodness does it make it difficult to concentrate on anything. It feels like my brain is being taken over by aliens in a hostile fashion. Yipes!

Dave got me new tires today! Hooray! I'm so excited--even though my eyeball feels like it's going to pop out, I think I'm gonna go for a spin. :)

Thoughts on Snow

2005-12-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

Snow is SO pretty. I'm sitting here watching it fall lightly, and that's nice. It's the big huge wet sloppy flakes that suck. I was trying to get to church this morning, and the road was completely covered--not a HINT of pavement showing though. And I definitely need new tires. It was a scary commute, for sure. We had this empty kitty litter container on the back deck and I'm realizing right now that I can't see it at all--completely enveloped in the white stuff.

Let's think about this for a second. Wouldn't it be SO awesome if snow could be about room temperature and TASTE like the white stuff out of Oreos? I think heaven will have that. I mean, why not?

TV Cancellation

2005-12-10T11:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, so there's this show on Fox called "Reunion"--and for the life of me, I am obsessed with it! It is SO captivating--a murder mystery that keeps flashing back over the course of 20 years. I just love it! It's on at 9 pm on Thursdays, when I can actually watch it. The perfect show.

So I was looking up spoilers on the internet (because I can't stand not knowing what happens), and I found out that Fox is CANCELLING the show!! They're only going to run it through the 13th episode! This wouldn't be such a big deal, except that the mystery clearly can't be wrapped up until the very last episode! That's just how it works. Thus, my dilemma--do I keep watching this super-addictive show that I love, knowing that I will NEVER, EVER find out who the murderer is? Or do I boycott the whole thing, since I know that in February (when the 13th episode airs) my hopes and dreams will be shattered?

I'm tormented! And completely retarded, I know. :P

Disappointment

2005-12-10T10:52:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been a while since I last blogged. We had a snow day yesterday--AWESOME! I love snow days--especially when they happen at BOTH schools. So I'm sitting here this morning, wasting time by Googling the names of friends from high school and college to see if I can get contact information for them so I can send them Christmas cards. Anyway, I found a Xanga site for a certain college friend of mine, and it just reinforced that fact that people never change.

You know, I wish I wouldn't have seen it at all--it seems as though all this person does is walk around in a drunken stupor, eliminating on himself in public, screwing everything that walks, etc. Granted, he might be trying to portray a certain image, but given the pictures he's posted, I think it's safe to assume that he's telling it like it is. I guess in the back of my mind I hoped that he would have grown up a little by now, set some goals, worked toward SOMETHING--oh well.

It also makes me wonder if I jumped into the responsible, adult world too fast. Did I miss a portion of my life where I was supposed to be having carefree fun, acting completely irresponsibly with no regard for anyone else? Is that what college was supposed to be? Is that how my 20's are supposed to be? But I know that I've made the right choices. And yeah, perhaps I'm a prude. Perhaps I'm naive. Perhaps I won't have hilarious, embarrassing stories to tell at reunions. But what's the point of wasting time in life? We don't get much time as it is. And the way things look for this friend, his time might be shorter than the rest of ours...

"Leeky" Potatoes

2005-10-10T22:00:00.000-04:00

Tonight Dave and I made potato-leek soup. It was really quite tasty. I wish I would have gotten off my duff a little earlier to start making it so Dave didn't have to wolf it down before he left for his meeting, but he didn't seem to mind too much. Now I'm making apple walnut cake. It seems as though my cooking inspiration comes in spurts. :) Everyone will have to wait another month before I do anything else productive in the kitchen. Hehe.

Now I have a tummy ache from something I cooked. Boooooo! It really ticks me off, you know? A nice quiet evening at home, and of course, I've got the trots. :( I'll be right back...

Okay, now I feel a little better. Saturday I got a great haircut that made my perm look much better! There is nothing in the world like a good stylist. I'm so glad I didn't have to get my roots re-permed. Last time, my head stunk for weeks. Ewwww.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. I always have a terrible time getting up on Tuesdays, and I end up rushing in to school at the last minute, feeling guilty and unprepared. Perhaps I should go to bed now and try to turn over a new leaf tomorrow. I'll let you know how that goes... :)

Thoughts on Peanut Butter

2005-10-01T18:39:00.000-04:00

I am becoming addicted to peanut butter. Let me explain to you some of the reasons it is a wonderful food:

1. It is cheap. REALLY cheap. And if you buy Meijer brand, it's even cheaper.

2. Variety. Creamy! Chunky! Crunchy! So many kinds to choose from.

3. Versatility. You use it to make sandwiches. You use it to make cookies. You use it to make chicken satay. You use it to glue your silverware to the bottom of the table. You eat it directly from the jar with a spoon...or knife...or your finger...or your tongue!

4. It has protein.

5. It doesn't have to be refrigerated.

6. It mixes with so many other items. Chocolate. Jelly. Jam. Marmalade. Honey. Bananas. Celery. Carrots. Bread. Ants. (oh wait, those are actually raisins...)

7. It cures hiccups.

Three cheers for peanut butter: Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Making Money

2005-10-01T13:10:00.000-04:00

Money is such a weird thing. I've been thinking a lot about it lately. It seems like everyone is just out to get more and more of it; they devote their whole lives to it. But in the end, when they have enough money to buy the stuff they thought they wanted so badly, they aren't satisfied--then it's on to the next big thing. It strikes me as a hamster running around on a little wheel. Where is it going? What is the poor little guy gonna get for all his work, other than exhaustion? Seems kinda silly.

So I'm going to try not to worry about it too much. And I'm going to try really hard to appreciate the stuff I have. Because I'm coming to the conclusion that having too much stuff sucks WORSE than not having enough. Just read my Garage Sale postings from August.

Dave is at Cedar Point today. He deserves it. He has worked so hard lately, and when he comes home, there's no food in the house, the kitty boxes smell bad, and all his socks are in the dirty laundry. Meanwhile, I'm at home, getting ready to sing at a wedding and make some cash. YAY! I know I just talked about how money shouldn't be important, but it really is thrilling to do an hour's worth of work, and make a hundred bucks. So cool! I hope Dave is wearing his sunscreen. It is so easy to get fried at Cedar Point--this coming from the voice of experience. :(

Thoughts on House Guests...

2005-08-21T21:47:00.000-04:00

This weekend was an interesting one. My grandparents came up from Ohio and "helped" me to run my garage sale, the one that I was freaked out about all last week. I spent probably 20 hours by myself in the basement that smells like cat pee, tagging items. Here are some things I have observed about house guests/hospitality:

1. It's just like they say--"House guests are like fish. They're good for about three days, and then they start to stink.

2. I am going to try my hardest from here on out not to offend anybody who offers me their house to stay in. I cannot BELIEVE how many times I wanted to tell a certain someone to "stuff a sock in it" when it came to Hispanics, Asians, African Americans, imperfect housewives, ungrateful siblings, and my own mother. I was unbelievable how many "backhanded compliments" were given. Such as "oh, she's very nice...for a Mexican." Or "I'm amazed at how trustworthy that little black girl is!" Or "your mother is not nearly as antisocial as she always was."

3. Even if I have strong opinions on things, if I happen to be staying with someone who disagrees with me, I will default to their opinion while I'm their guest. Such is the case with the topic of weight loss. I am little by little recovering from a lifelong struggle with eating disorders, and a certain houseguest has the audacity to count every calorie aloud. I couldn't eat a little piece of chocolate without being reminded that it will automatically add to my generous "porkchops." And when I try to insert to fact that I run very frequently, and can afford to have those extra calories, I'm promptly informed that running will "ruin my knees forever" and cripple me with osteoporosis. My general impression is this: if it has taken you 70+ years to figure out the whole weight loss/exercise thing, you're probably not a world-renowned expert. But try telling HER that.

4. If I'm staying with a guest, and there is downtime, I will try my hardest not to gab incessantly about myself. I honestly have a problem with this. I really do have a difficult time shutting myself up. But I think that I do actually have interactive conversations, allowing people to interject thoughts and even change the subject, if they want to. Such was not the case this weekend. I was appalled at the lack of listening skills and even common courtesy (such as not talking with you mouth stuffed with s'mores, not blatantly interrupting, etc.) I sat for over an hour while a certain guest had an entire conversation with herself about how cruel her siblings were to her and what a saint she is and she even CRIED! I couldn't get a word in edgewise! It is exhausting to sit through something like that.

5. I will not insult my host by constantly talking about how much better and more talented her siblings are than her. I can tolerate some of that, given that I'm proud of my siblings as well. But after being degraded time and time again about so-and-so's performance in this, and their score on that, it gets old. When you try to slip in that "you know, it would be cool if you could come see a performance of my professional choir with a major regional symphony orchestra" and they come back with "you just wouldn't believe how he totally carried his high school musical--magnificent!"--it's a little deflating.

6. I will not be an Indian Giver. And I certainly won't insult someone by taking an item back, and then scolding that person for trying to sell it when you told them to sell it in the first place! As in "you should have known that this [insert crappy piece of junk] was a priceless antique family heirloom! How could you get rid of it?" I will never, ever do that to my kids or grandkids. Hold me to that.

7. I will not needlessly bicker with my significant other about retarded things in the presence of my host. Talk about an awkward situation. And sometimes they even brought me INTO to argument. Like "Kathryn, isn't your grandmother the biggest clothes horse east of the Mississippi?" If I say yes, then I get no more yummy coffee cake for the rest of my days. If I say no, then any chance of being written into the will goes out the window. And if I remain ambivalent, then it's like I offend both parties. ARRRRRGGGH!

Well, that's probably enough griping and moaning for now. We're going to do the garage sale thing again next week to try to get rid of a few more "priceless heirlooms." :) I hope it goes well and doesn't rain.

Motivation...Where Can I Buy Some?

2005-08-12T21:19:00.000-04:00

Hey, it's been a long time since I wrote! I've got to get back in the habit of posting on here everyday. Today, Dave had to do the wedding rehearsal for Katlyn . Then we went to her fiancee's house for a picnic, where my ankle was ferociously mauled by some angry mosquitos. The burgers were good though. :)

Today I actually got some curriculum planning done. It's sickening--once I actually sat down and started doing it, it wasn't that bad! I definitely made some progress. So the question remains--why in the heck is it so difficult to get started in the first place? I know that in the long run it will make my life easier because I'll be more organized. It's just SO hard to sit down and make myself focus on it!!! Anyway, now all I have to do is put it in an Excel document--another challenge, for sure. I'd love to get that done tonight. How sad is this--it's Friday night, and all I'm gonna do is mull over a stupid Excel document. That sucks!! I should be out painting the town. Oh well.

I feel like the last couple of days have been a waste. I don't even really remember what I accomplished. Am I a whiner, or what?! I'm sorry.

Copy Machines--Spawn of the Devil??

2005-08-06T19:01:00.000-04:00

So today I had a really tough time getting off my duff to work on school stuff. (hey, that sorta rhymes!) Once I got in the car, I thought to myself, 'I had better make some good headway on organizing and filing--I'm sure I'll accomplish some good things...'

However, once I entered the GH city limits, the traffic screached to a halt and it dawned on me---the Coast Guard Festival! So it took me FOREVER to go like a quarter of a mile. The church parking lot was very full, but I figured that it must be people parking for the parade. But when I got to the door, which was propped wide open, I realized that was not the case.

I peered into my classroom and could not BELIEVE what I saw! About twenty teeny bopper girls, in their bikinis, ready to go to the beach! They were sprawled out on sleeping bags and mattresses and were feasting on Doritos and Gatorade. They looked at me as though I were an alien, and then someone said, "Can I help you?"

So I politely asked, "Ummm, could you tell me what exactly is going on here? This is sort of....my classroom..."

Apparently, they were some kind of bugle and drum corps that were given permission to camp out in my room OVERNIGHT. But they at least let me into my office. So I decided to go make copies. Bad move.

The risograph machine had major PMS or something, because it had about five things wrong with it which were preventing me from printing. Okay then. On to the regular copy machine. Things went okay for about 20 seconds, until it beeped, signaling a paper jam. No biggie--I've dealt with worse things. However, on the monitor, it showed about TEN different places where paper was jammed. I got about nine of them, but there was one paper jammed way down by the hot ink area. It was SO stuck--I tried to turn the little knobbies, but to no avail. Then I got the bright idea to stick my index finger in there to try to budge it. NO CIGAR! So I left school with burnt, inky fingers and no accomplishments. I was so mad I could spit, I tell ya.

Dinner was a little better. My first try at falafel was a minor success.

My Dream

2005-08-06T12:10:00.000-04:00

Last night I had the weirdest, most vivid dream I think I've ever had. Maybe it was because I ate too much chili casserole at Matt and Marie's. At any rate, this could be the plot of a major motion picture someday. Here goes...

I was going to grad school in some town where there was a lot of ivy on everything and all the buildings were made out of brick. I was really excited to start school until I found out that I was required to take a mandatory remedial math class. Math is not one of my strong points, so I was understandably bummed out. Anyway, I couldn't find the classroom, and I arrived about 15 minutes late. I was really embarrassed and everyone was looking at me like I was a moron.

The professor looked exactly like Elrond, King of the Elves from Lord of the Rings. He looked at me in a funny way throughout the entire class and I found that to be pretty unsettling. After class, he asked me out--and of course I said yes, knowing that if I could get on his good side, he'd give me a good grade. I thought he was creepy, but I put up with it.

He continued to hit on me, and one day he asked me if we could trade cars for the day. This was a no-brainer--I had a little white VW Jetta and he had a super sporty Audi convertible. So I gladly drove his hot car around all day, until the cops pulled me over and arrested me for murder!!!

I had no idea what was going on, but later I found out the details. The math professor was on bad terms with one of my music professors, who happened to look just like Jack Lemmen. So he went to a high-tech company nearby and procured some of their top-secret metal, which was highly combustible. Then he fashioned a protective suit for himself. He went to visit the music prof and as they sat in his study, he offered him a Cuban cigar and asked him for a truce. They shook hands, and as the math professor lit his cigar, the music professor totally blew up! Then, the math professor put the incinerated body in MY car and abandoned it somewhere. When the police found it and looked up the VIN, they suspected that it was ME who had blown up the professor.

And that's where the dream ended!

How to Hold a Garage Sale

2005-08-03T20:50:00.000-04:00

Okay, I've decided to have a garage sale on August 20. I have a whole lot of stuff that was handed down to me by my grandparents, but I'll definitely never use any of it and it's just sitting in my in-law's shed. But I've never thrown a garage sale before, and I would actually like to make a little money off of it. I'm stressing out about this--I don't want it to be a total dud, thereby leaving a whole lotta stuff in my garage that doesn't belong there. Oh boy.

Starving and Guilty

2005-08-03T17:25:00.000-04:00

What an interesting day it has been. Even though I was only supposed to teach five lessons today, they were spread out in such a way that I had to stay in GH the whole day. And of course, I didn't prepare for it by packing a lunch of any sort. So I survived the day on a Diet Coke and a grande Iced Latte. Now my stomach is really letting me know how angry it is.

Today I had to let a student go. What a horrible thing to have to do! I really had no option--I don't have any more time in my schedule. And on top of that, these people don't pay me very often and their daughter doesn't really practice at all. What's the point? The mother completely deflated when I broke the news to her. And I'm feeling really guilty, because there's a good chance that I never should have taken her daughter in the first place. She was far too young, and I should have had the foresight to predict that this day would come. I question whether I did it solely for the money, knowing full well that she wasn't going to make any measurable progress. But how am I supposed to admit that to a paying client and still maintain any credibility? Unfortunately, I'm going to have to repeat this process with at least three other students if I hope to keep any semblance of sanity this school year. Phooey!

Now I'm curious about what happened on Passions today. Apparently there's a tsunami in Harmony--is that possible? I'm really hoping that Ethan and Theresa get back together. That would make my day a little bit better. But I won't find out until they post the recap on the Passions website at 6 pm. Am I neurotic or what?!

My First Try

2005-08-03T00:50:00.000-04:00

Hey! It's my first attempt at blogging, so I don't really know what I'm doing, other than just yakking it up. Will anybody actually read this? Who knows.

Today was an interesting day. I'm still feeling scattered and disorganized about school and other various jobs. Some days it seems like I can manage everything, and some days I just about kick myself for getting in over my head. Today is in the latter category. Maybe if I eat some brownies I will feel better. Good night! :)